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FUN AND JOKES (in english)
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Shewanna
Sexy Biatch


Joined: 23 Nov 2003
Posts: 2100
Location: All around baby, all around

PostPosted: Mon Oct 17, 2005 9:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Here's a sick one :ranjet:

Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.

The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"

The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14.
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Posted:     Post subject: Acorda-ne putina atentie

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mishulina
Big Diamond


Joined: 15 Oct 2005
Posts: 1719
Location: off the beaten track

PostPosted: Mon Oct 17, 2005 9:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Cool differences & more...

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 min.

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? Sexual Harassment
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? $3.99 a min.

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get the remote.

What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpme Dumpme.

What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
Marriage.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp implement.

What have men and floor tiles got in common?
If you lay them properly the first time you can walk all over them
for life.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a
dozen doughnuts.

Who is the most popular woman at a nudist colony?
The woman who ate the last doughnut.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has
the biggest breasts?
The blonde, because she's 18.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law...Smile
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Sweety
Big Diamond


Joined: 14 Aug 2005
Posts: 3200

PostPosted: Sun Nov 13, 2005 9:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

What's green, fuzzy, has 4 legs, and, if it falls out of a tree, can kill you?
......

A pool table.
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satine
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Joined: 10 Jul 2005
Posts: 390
Location: Dreamland

PostPosted: Thu Nov 24, 2005 5:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

What do George Bush's wife and the American flag have in common?
They both go down in the name of the president.
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Sweety
Big Diamond


Joined: 14 Aug 2005
Posts: 3200

PostPosted: Thu Nov 24, 2005 10:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

satine wrote:
What do George Bush's wife and the American flag have in common?
They both go down in the name of the president.


doohhhh
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Sweety
Big Diamond


Joined: 14 Aug 2005
Posts: 3200

PostPosted: Sat Dec 03, 2005 9:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Guts or Balls


We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know
the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition for each is listed below....

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are
you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass
and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.
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Sweety
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PostPosted: Tue Dec 06, 2005 12:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: Would she use my golf clubs?
MAN: No, she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Shit.
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tudoriona
silver member
silver member


Joined: 23 Jun 2005
Posts: 367
Location: on the INTERNET

PostPosted: Sun Dec 11, 2005 5:29 pm    Post subject: Johnny Reply with quote

Johnny was walking on the street.
His head was empty.
His heart was broken.
His will was missing.
But the worst thing was that ...
... his money were with Teddy !!!
\\----------------
Today, Johnny is happy.
His head is no longer empty.
His heart is no longer broken.
His will....
But especially, his wife is with Teddy !!
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mary_just_me
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Joined: 25 Jan 2006
Posts: 507
Location: Bucuresti

PostPosted: Mon Feb 06, 2006 3:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

verry funny jokes gang Wink
now i should add some
hopefully u haven't read them somewhere else :smoke:
:strumf:
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mary_just_me
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Joined: 25 Jan 2006
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Location: Bucuresti

PostPosted: Mon Feb 06, 2006 3:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

One evening, husband and wife are returning from a wedding ceremony.
Stepping up the stairs behind his wife the man tells to his wife:
- ? My darling you have such a big butt like a washing machine??
- wife has no reply?.
Later on, they supposed to get into bed the man feels like he would like a sex shoot, he?s asking his wife for..
The wife upset replies to his hubby:
- ?For such a tiny cloth I won?t turn on the washing machine, you can wash it by hand!?
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mary_just_me
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Joined: 25 Jan 2006
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Location: Bucuresti

PostPosted: Mon Feb 06, 2006 3:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Grandma's birth control pills

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her lifefinally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.
"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks..........
And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."

You gotta like Grandmas.
Should children witness childbirth?

LOL LOL LOL
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mary_just_me
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Joined: 25 Jan 2006
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 06, 2006 3:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Should children witness childbirth?

This is one of the funniest!

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a
3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight
high over her Mommy so he
could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen
did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while
Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked
him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen
for her help and asked the
wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first
place......... smack his butt again"
:roll2:
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mary_just_me
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 06, 2006 3:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

:coolspeak:
. A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order.
>He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights, and a pair of
>running boards."
>
>The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the
>kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat
>tires, a pair of headlights, and a pair of running boards. What does he
>think this is, an auto parts store?"
>
>"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of
>headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices
>of crisp bacon?"
>
>"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then
>spooned up
>a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
>
>The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?"
>
>She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
>headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
>
>FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!!!!
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mary_just_me
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 06, 2006 4:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

From: ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 -- CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This
time the smile turned into a

grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more
amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained
to the driver, and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied,
"Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her
condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming,' and I grinned."
"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will
reduce the swelling', and I had to smile."
"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's
Big Stick did the trick,' and I could hardly contain myself."

"BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident'... I just lost it."


"CASE DISMISSED!!"
LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL
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mary_just_me
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 16, 2006 4:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

PANCAKES
Six-year-old Brandon decided one Saturday morning to fix his parents pancakes. He found a big bowl and spoon, p**a a chair to the counter, opened the cupboard and p**a out the heavy flour canister, spilling it on the floor.
He scooped some of the flour into the bowl with his hands, mixed in most of a cup of milk and added some sugar, leaving a floury trail on the floor which by now had a few tracks left by his kitten.
Brandon was covered with flour and getting frustrated. He wanted this to be something very good for Mom and Dad, but it was getting very bad.
He didn't know what to do next, whether to put it all into the oven or on the stove and he didn't know how the stove worked! Suddenly he saw his kitten licking from the bowl of mix and reached to push her away, knocking the egg carton to the floor. Frantically he tried to clean up this monumental
mess but slipped on the eggs, getting his pajamas white and sticky.
And just then he saw Dad standing at the door. Big crocodile tears welled up in Brandon's eyes All he'd wanted to do was something good, but he'd made a terrible mess He was sure a scolding was coming, maybe even a spanking.
But his father just watched him.
Then, walking through the mess, he picked up his crying son, hugged him and loved him, getting his own pajamas white and sticky in the process!
That's how God deals with us. We try to do something good in life, but it turns into a mess. Our marriage gets all sticky or we insult a friend, or we can't stand our job, or our health goes sour.
Sometimes we just stand there in tears because we can't think of anything else to do. That's when God picks us up and loves us and forgives us, even though some of our mess gets all over Him.
But just because we might mess up, we can't stop! trying to "make pancakes" for God or for others. Sooner or later we'll get it right, and then they'll be glad we tried...
I was thinking. .. and I wondered if I had any wounds needing to be healed, friendships that need rekindling or three words needing to be said, sometimes, "I love you" can heal & bless! Remind every one of your friends that you love them. Even if you think they don't love back, you would be amazed at
what those three little words, a smile, and a reminder likes this can do.
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