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[Airman04061969]

As a proud owner (owner ? Yeah, right ! Try "meal provider" ) of a cat, I'd like to share my experience with fellow cat owners (or potential f** cat owners). Today's word of wisdom is about:

"Instructions for application of oral medicine to domestic feline
... or 'How to give a pill to a cat.'"

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either
side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while
holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into
mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle
cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding
rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill
to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a
count of 10.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding
front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get
spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing
wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's
throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil
wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully
sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for
gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its
head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of
drinking straw, - force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down
drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink
glass of water to take taste away. Apply Elastoplast to spouse's
forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill.
Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with dessertspoon. Flick pill down
throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last
tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves
from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill
into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head
vertically and pour a pint of water down throat to wash pill
down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants
from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new
table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and call local pet shop to
see if they have any hamsters."

(other advises will be posted later)
_________________
Bogdan Voicu
("Good judgement comes from experience but experience comes from a lot of (previous) bad judgements").

[Reclama]

[Airman04061969]

Today's recipe is about how to bathe the cat.
Proud "owners" of cat should know that, although the cat does most of its cleaning, it needs, from time to time (every month for long haired cats, every two months for short haired cats) a bath. We all know that cats hate water so extra precautions need to be taken when bathing a cat.
Here's a few tips:
1. Know that although the kitty cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, we recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
2. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. We recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
3. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)
4. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have now begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.
5. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
6. Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg.
7. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.
You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better.

Though the proper way, we recommend that beginners should try the easy way, as recommended by our best friend, the Dog. Here it goes:
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself.
_________________
Bogdan Voicu
("Good judgement comes from experience but experience comes from a lot of (previous) bad judgements").

[tuffgirl]

Mental Hospital Phone Menu:

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. Please select from
the following menu options:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, & 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so
we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother
Ship.

If you are schizophr enic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you
which number to press.

If you are manic-depressant, it doesn't matte which number you press,nothing
will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969696969.

If you are bipolar, please leave after the beep or before the beep or after the
beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory
loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up, our operators are too busy to talk
with you.

If you are menopausal,put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and
cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
_________________
Those who wish to appear wise among fools, among the wise seem foolish.

- Quintilian, De Institutione Oratoria

[tuffgirl]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would p**a the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
_________________
Those who wish to appear wise among fools, among the wise seem foolish.

- Quintilian, De Institutione Oratoria

[tuffgirl]

THINGS OVERHEARD AT AN STD CLINIC

The quotes below are complaints reported by clients clients of Room 111, a public health clinic in St. Paul that treats people for sexually transmitted diseases. Nurses at the clinic began creating the list two decades ago; it now includes several hundred comments.



"I have reason to believe my penis was exposed to LSD. When I ejaculate I have flashbacks."

"My hair is falling out and the sun hurts my crotch."

"I went to a party, had a few beers, woke up in a closet later on and my face stunk and my dick hurt."

"My last period looked like meat."

"My balls feel soft and mushy."

"I be messin' with these nasty women from Minnesota and they don't tell you they got something unless they mad at you."

"How am I supposed to do lap dances smelling like a dead fish?"

"I got the dripper."

"I have food chunks in my urine."

"Had sex with my daughter's fiancé and then douched with Lysol--feelin' a little raw down there."

"Scabs on my butt and I'm losing my mind."

"I'm releasing semen when I take a crap."

"I was poked in the rectum with the infected finger of a 70-year-old homosexual man."

"I live at the VA and my roommate has his girlfriend from Minneapolis over. They throw ticks at me that bite my neck and when I pop the sores, they smell like vagina juice."

"Can't you put the swab in further?"

"I had sex with my baby's momma, sex with my other baby's momma and my other new baby's momma has disease."

"Last time I had sex I passed something that looked like Cream of Wheat before it's cooked."

"My cervix hurts when I jiggle."

"The seam in my circumcision split open."

"I be messin' with my ex-wife and my girlfriend and I don't trust either of them."

"My whole body smells like a menstruating woman, especially my armpits."

"From the looks of my penis, I believe they are the adrenaline out of me."

"I think they hypnotized me and put implants and poltergeists in my brain and had sex with me."

"I think my boyfriend knows what's going on. He's been calling me a 'chlamydiahoris.'"

"My pee smells like ham."
_________________
Those who wish to appear wise among fools, among the wise seem foolish.

- Quintilian, De Institutione Oratoria

[tuffgirl]

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more,

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,"
she retorted indignantly.

"In this country we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.

"Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell
' Mississippi '."

$5.00 says you're gonna read this again
_________________
Those who wish to appear wise among fools, among the wise seem foolish.

- Quintilian, De Institutione Oratoria

[Airman04061969]

[tuffgirl]

Okay okay you show-upa when i go to Texas and i pay

No but seriously where are you these days? I am on my way to Texas in a couple of weeks....let me know and if we are close maybe i get to see you guys. Please say Hi to Aura and i am still waiting pictures of the happy family
_________________
Those who wish to appear wise among fools, among the wise seem foolish.

- Quintilian, De Institutione Oratoria

[colorado]

Confucius says: It is good for boy to
meet girl in park, but better for boy
to park meat in girl.



Confucius says: baseball is wrong.
Man with four balls cannot walk.




Confucius says:Schoolboy who plays with schoolgirl during wrong period get caught red-handed.



Confucius says:Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.



Confucius says, "6.9, another thing ruined by a period."



Confucius says, "Man with tool in woman's mouth is not necessarily a dentist."




Confucius says, "Man who put wick into wrong candle . . . get burned."


Confucius Say - Man who make love to woman on hill, not on the level.

[tuffgirl]

Riddle
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

For the answer, click and drag your mouse from star to star.
* Get your drunk-ass off the merry-go-round. *
_________________
Those who wish to appear wise among fools, among the wise seem foolish.

- Quintilian, De Institutione Oratoria

[tuffgirl]

16 Years Of Meat
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother.

The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
_________________
Those who wish to appear wise among fools, among the wise seem foolish.

- Quintilian, De Institutione Oratoria

[tuffgirl]

ITALIAN ARITHMETIC?

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until
he passes a little math test.

"Here's your first question," the foreman said.
"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Withouta numbers?" the Italian says, "Datsa easy."
and he proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you gota no brain? Tree and tree and tree make a
nine," says the Italian.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question.
Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Italian stares into space for a while, thenpicks up the picture
that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree
"Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get
that to represent 99?"

"Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty
tree,
and dirty tree. Datsa a 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire
this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question.

Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the
picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree
and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think
that represents a hundred!"

(You're going to love this one!!!)

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base
of each tree and says, "A little doga come along and shita by
eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree
and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred.
So, whenna I start?
_________________
Those who wish to appear wise among fools, among the wise seem foolish.

- Quintilian, De Institutione Oratoria

[tuffgirl]

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work,

But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy"
Then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb,

So, that the Boss might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked,

"What in the name of good GOD are you doing? "

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out."
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her,

". ..And where do you think you're going?!"

(You're gonna love this....)





She said, "I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark.
_________________
Those who wish to appear wise among fools, among the wise seem foolish.

- Quintilian, De Institutione Oratoria

[tuffgirl]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
_________________
Those who wish to appear wise among fools, among the wise seem foolish.

- Quintilian, De Institutione Oratoria

[tuffgirl]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________ ________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 P.M.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at t he time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a p**a?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
_________________
Those who wish to appear wise among fools, among the wise seem foolish.

- Quintilian, De Institutione Oratoria

[Reclama]