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tuffgirl
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 15, 2006 9:03 am    Post subject: The other horse Reply with quote

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan.

?What the hell was that for?? he asked.

?That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it,? she replied.

?But you don?t understand,? he pleaded. ?Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.?

?Oh honey, I?m sorry,? she said. ?I should have known there was a good explanation.?

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, ?What was that for?? he begged.

?Your horse called!?
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 15, 2006 9:05 am    Post subject: A hell of a decision Reply with quote

A man dies and goes straight to Hell. The devil greets him and immediately makes him face a big decision: "You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever room you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll finally go to heaven after years of waiting and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room."

The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped over and over again. In the second room is a man strapped to a table being subjected to Chinese water torture. Finally, in the third room is a man sitting in a chair while being pleasured by a beautiful woman.

"I choose this room!" the man says.

"Very well," the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.

"You can go now. I've found you're replacement."
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tuffgirl
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 15, 2006 9:10 am    Post subject: Teasing the gorilla Reply with quote

A man and his wife are at the zoo. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large, hairy gorilla. Noticing her, the gorilla starts bouncing around his cage. He jumps up on the bars and, holding on with one hand, grunts and pounds his chest.

The husband, finding this funny, suggests that his wife tease the poor primate. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would raise the dead. Then, the husband suggests that she let one of the straps to her dress fall to show a bit more skin.

She does and Mr. Gorilla nearly tears the bars down. ?Now, lift your dress up to your thighs and sort of fan it at him,? says the man. She does, driving the gorilla absolutely crazy to the point at which he starts doing flips.

Then, the husband grabs his wife, throws open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

?Now tell HIM you have a headache.?
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tuffgirl
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 15, 2006 9:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Racist Airlines is flying at 20,000' when one of the engines fails. To stay aloft the pilot decides that they must jettison weight. After all the luggage is jettisoned the plane continues to lose altitude. They decide it's time to jettison passengers in order for a few to lose their lives to save the rest.

The pilot declares that the only fair way to jettison passengers is alphabetically. He comes on the intercom and announces, "All 'A'frican Americans" must just without a parachute to lighten the load.

A small child flying with his father looked and said, "Dad, that's us!" The father replied, "No son, not today."

As the plane continues it's downward death spiral to earth the Captain of Racist Airlines again comes on the loudspeaker. "All 'B'lacks must exit the airplane now."

Again, the small child looks at his father anxiously and states, "Dad, that's us!" The father replied, "No son, not today."

Although the altitude loss rate has slowed, the plane is still too heavy to continue flying. The Captain again comes on, "All 'C'olored people must exit the plane."

Once again, the child looks at his dad and states, "Dad, that's us!" The father replied, "No son, not today. Today we are Ni**ers!"
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Last edited by tuffgirl on Sat Apr 15, 2006 9:38 am; edited 1 time in total
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tuffgirl
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 15, 2006 9:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
"Yes sir," came the reply, "it's fresh ground."

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
He looks through a catalog in the plastic surgeon's office.

How can you recognize a burned-out hippie?
He used to take acid, now he takes antacid.

What has three teeth and sixty feet?
The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.

What is the new O.J. web site address?
slash.slash.backslash.escape

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

Do you know how you can spot Ronald McDonald on the beach?
He is the only one with sesame seed buns.

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

Have you heard of the new Ken Doll. It's called the "Child Support Ken"?
It can't be found.

What do you call a funeral where you smell your own flowers?
A wedding.

How do you get five hundred cows in a barn?
Put up a "Bingo" sign.

What does a bulimic have for dessert?
Two fingers.

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with....the
other is used to carry groceries.

Have you heard about the new sub sandwich being sold at a national food
chain?
It's called the O.J. It's full of bologna, tough to swallow and the stupid
people are still buying it!

What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
Money.

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their
right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly,
points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."

The other hooks his thumb behind him says, "Dog ****, 20 feet back."

One day there were three people. Their names were Manners, Trouble and Shut
up. One day they were playing hide and seek. Manners got a tummy ache so he
went to the toilet. Trouble was hiding. Shut up was finding Trouble when he
met a policeman.

The policeman said, "What is your name?"
"Shut up!"
The policeman replied, "Are you looking for trouble?"
"Yes!"
The policeman fumed, "Where are your manners?"
"In the toilet."

Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the USA from China. They decided to become
American citizens, and "Americanize" their names.
Bu, called himself "Buck"
Chu called himself "Chuck"
Fu decided to return to China.

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before
the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet
behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the
men now walked several yards behind their wives.

She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous,"
said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of
roles?"

Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines."
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tuffgirl
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 15, 2006 10:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

The man replies "No. What do you mean?"

"You must be new here," she says. "Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly p**a him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Finished, the man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.

Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him. "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No. What do you mean?" says the newcomer.

"You must be new," says the hairy man. "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins the newcomer around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the nudist colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she says.

"Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

"Listen lady," the man replies, "I'm 68 years old. I get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day! I'm outta here!"
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tuffgirl
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 21, 2006 3:08 am    Post subject: New priest in town Reply with quote

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the p**a, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, Ill quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had fallen.

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me theyve fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I dont know what youre laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"
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tuffgirl
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 21, 2006 3:41 am    Post subject: Funny horoscopes Reply with quote

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) - You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) - You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

Taurus (April 23 - May 22) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.

Gemini (May 23 - June 22) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on offtopic.

Cancer (June 23 - July 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding of other peoples problems, which makes you a . You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and wont be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while . Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) - You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. You are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) - You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.

.... i am Taurus Rolling Eyes LOL LOL LOL
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tuffgirl
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 21, 2006 3:48 am    Post subject: teaching manners Reply with quote

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause were going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We dont use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out,you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 21, 2006 4:14 am    Post subject: Words women use Reply with quote

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use fine to describe how a woman looks this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so its an even trade.

NOTHING

This means something, and you should be on your toes. Nothing is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. Nothing usually signifies an
argument that will last Five Minutes and end with Fine.

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over Nothing and will end with the word Fine.

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)

This means I give up or do what you want because I dont care You will get a Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead in just a few minutes, followed by Nothing and Fine and she will talk to you in about Five Minutes when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A Loud Sigh means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over Nothing.

SOFT SIGH

Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. Soft Sighs mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THATS OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. Thats Okay means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. Thats Okay is often used with the word Fine and in conjunction with a Raised Eyebrow.

GO AHEAD.

At some point in the near f**, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful
and you shouldnt get a Thats Okay.

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say youre welcome.

THANKS A LOT

This is much different from Thanks. A woman will say, Thanks A Lot when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the Loud Sigh. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the Loud Sigh, as she will only tell you Nothing.
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 21, 2006 5:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician p**a back the sheet, Daryl said, Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over.

The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, Nope, aint Bubba.

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, Yup, hes pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, No, it aint Bubba.

The mortician asked, How can you tell?

Gomer said, Well, Bubba had two assholes.

What? He had two assholes? said the mortician.

Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 21, 2006 8:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

coool horoscope Very Happy , and i like that one with the kid too
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PostPosted: Sun May 28, 2006 1:22 am    Post subject: > > >The Doctors Office > > Reply with quote

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you say in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it's embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it. An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's waiting room. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said,
- Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?
-There's something wrong with my dick, he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said,
-You shouldn't come into a crowded doctor's room and say things like that.
-Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you, he said. The receptionist replied,
-You've! obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private. The man replied,
-You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked,
-Yes?
-There's something wrong with my ear, he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
-And what is wrong with your ear, sir?
-I can't pee out of it, the man replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
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PostPosted: Sun May 28, 2006 1:25 am    Post subject: Calling in sick Reply with quote

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
-What's the matter? he asks
-I have a case of anal glaucoma, she says in a weak voice.
-What the hell is anal glaucoma?
-I can't see my ass coming into work today
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PostPosted: Sun May 28, 2006 1:30 am    Post subject: I am a princes Reply with quote

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers,
-Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super. On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. -Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground. She calmly turned her head and said,
-In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one! To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
-Well, sweet- cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!
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