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FUN AND JOKES (in english)
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tuffgirl
can't touch this


Joined: 10 Feb 2005
Posts: 4571
Location: ;)

PostPosted: Thu Jul 14, 2005 10:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alcohol Deficiency and Remedy Chart

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.

FAULT: Glass empty.

ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

--

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.

FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.

ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

--

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.

FAULT: Improper bladder control.

ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation. --

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.

FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

--

SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.

FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.

ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

--

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.

FAULT: You are being carried out.

ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

--

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.

FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.

--

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.

FAULT: You have fallen over backward.

ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up; latch self to bar.

--

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.

FAULT: You have fallen forward.

ACTION: See above.

--

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.

FAULT: The Bar is closing.

ACTION: Panic.

--

SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see anything in your bedroom.

FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.

ACTION: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.
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Posted:     Post subject: Acorda-ne putina atentie

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Aneisse
100% unknown species


Joined: 07 Oct 2004
Posts: 3093
Location: Somewhere close

PostPosted: Wed Aug 10, 2005 12:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

An accountant gets home late one night and his wife says, "Where the hell have you been?"
He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill on his penis?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow," he began.
Two, once in a while, I like to play with my money...
Three, I like how money feels in my hand...
And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!!!"


LOL LOL Wink
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tuffgirl
can't touch this


Joined: 10 Feb 2005
Posts: 4571
Location: ;)

PostPosted: Wed Aug 10, 2005 5:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That was a good one LOL LOL LOL :roll2:
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Aneisse
100% unknown species


Joined: 07 Oct 2004
Posts: 3093
Location: Somewhere close

PostPosted: Thu Aug 11, 2005 8:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good 'couse it was for you!
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tuffgirl
can't touch this


Joined: 10 Feb 2005
Posts: 4571
Location: ;)

PostPosted: Thu Aug 18, 2005 9:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you Aneisse Very Happy here is one and let me tell you it is true:
You Know You Live in New York City when...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.

2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.

3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

4 You think Central Park is "nature,"

5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

6. You've worn out a car horn.

7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
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tuffgirl
can't touch this


Joined: 10 Feb 2005
Posts: 4571
Location: ;)

PostPosted: Fri Sep 02, 2005 6:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Two blondes and a brunette were hanging from a rope going horizontaily across a canyon. The rope could only support two people at a time, so they decided to each give a speech. The two who gave the best speech could remain on the rope.
The first blonde gave her speech and it was pretty good.

The second blonde gave her speech and it was wonderful.

Then the brunette gave her speech, it was fabulous!

The blondes were so impressed, they clapped their hands.....
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tuffgirl
can't touch this


Joined: 10 Feb 2005
Posts: 4571
Location: ;)

PostPosted: Mon Sep 05, 2005 8:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

In the beginning, there was nothing.

God said, "Let there be light!"...and there was light!

There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.
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tuffgirl
can't touch this


Joined: 10 Feb 2005
Posts: 4571
Location: ;)

PostPosted: Wed Sep 14, 2005 3:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Three men were walking through the forest when they came to an enormous river. The river rapids were splashing everywhere, making it too dangerous to swim. All of a sudden, a river guardian appears.
Guardian: If you desire to cross this river, I will give each of you one wish in order to do so. Use it wisely.

First man: I wish I were big, tall, and strong enough in order to wade across the river.

*POOF!* He became what he wished for, waded across the river, and turned back into himself on the other side.

Second man: I know! I wish I could be a bird, so that way I could fly across the river!

*POOF! He turned into a bird, flew across, and turned back into himself on the other side.

Third man: -Hmm, I'm going to do this the right way. How about...- I wish I had the intelligence to get across this river.

So *POOF!* The man turned into a woman and walked across the bridge.


Razz Razz Razz LOL
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tuffgirl
can't touch this


Joined: 10 Feb 2005
Posts: 4571
Location: ;)

PostPosted: Wed Sep 14, 2005 3:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
:oopss:
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tuffgirl
can't touch this


Joined: 10 Feb 2005
Posts: 4571
Location: ;)

PostPosted: Fri Sep 16, 2005 6:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

12 things you didn't know, you didn't know Razz

Did you know...

It is impossible to lick your elbow.
A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.
A shrimp's heart is in its head.
In a study of 200,000 ostriches, over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand.
It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
Horses can't vomit.
The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. And, if you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out.
Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.
Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

I didn't think you knew these things you didn't know before reading this message! Smile
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tuffgirl
can't touch this


Joined: 10 Feb 2005
Posts: 4571
Location: ;)

PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2005 4:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A truck p**a up to a stop sign and begins to slow down, but doesn't stop. He then sees blue lights p**a him over.
When the cop comes to the window he asked why the driver didn't stop.

The driver responds I slowed down and didn't see anyone.

The officer then begins slapping the driver across the face.

The driver says WHAT ARE YOU DOING..

The cop replies "Do you want me to stop or slow down?"
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RavenX
La Usa Cortului


Joined: 25 Sep 2005
Posts: 127
Location: Chalfon St. Peter, UK

PostPosted: Fri Sep 30, 2005 8:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

a classic one...
why do the chicken cross the road?
to get to the other side
:zid:
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Life is war, and every day's a battle to me
I'm on the brink of insanity, between extreme intelligence and split personalities
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nicky
diamond member
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Joined: 19 Sep 2005
Posts: 1188
Location: Bucuresti

PostPosted: Mon Oct 10, 2005 8:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

PRISON vs WORK

PRISON: you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK: you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON: you get three meals a day.
AT WORK: you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON: you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK: you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON: the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK: you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON: you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK: you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON: you get your own toilet.
AT WORK: you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON: they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK: you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON: the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK: you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON: you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK: you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON: you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK: they are called managers.
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La extrema oricarui gand este un suspin. (Paul Valery)
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nicky
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Joined: 19 Sep 2005
Posts: 1188
Location: Bucuresti

PostPosted: Mon Oct 10, 2005 8:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)



To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"



"Don't what?" Adam replied.



"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.



"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"



"No Way!"



"Yes way!"



"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.



"Why"



"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.



"Uh huh," Adam replied.



"Then why did you?" said the Father.



"I don't know," said Eve.



"She started it!" Adam said



"Did not!"



"Did too!"



"DID NOT!"



Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.





BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?



THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.



2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.



3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.



4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.



5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.



6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.





ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.



AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!
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La extrema oricarui gand este un suspin. (Paul Valery)
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nicky
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Joined: 19 Sep 2005
Posts: 1188
Location: Bucuresti

PostPosted: Mon Oct 17, 2005 1:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Fifteen days ago I read that smoking can kill you.
The next day I stopped smoking.

Twelve days ago I read that too much red meat can kill you. The next day I stopped eating red meat..

Eight days ago I read that drinking can kill you.

The next day I stopped drinking.

Yesterday I read that having sex can kill you.

This morning I stopped reading.
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La extrema oricarui gand este un suspin. (Paul Valery)
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