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bebyco junior
Joined: 22 Apr 2005 Posts: 13 Location: Bacau
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Posted: Fri Apr 22, 2005 11:10 pm Post subject: bancul serii |
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[b]Era un copil de 15 ani cel mai golan dincartie. Se trezesc intr-o dimineata parintii lui s-si zic: ma asta e golan mare! ce facem cu el? Se gandesc ei si-l trimit la seminar.
Dupa trei ani il iau acasa. Se duce tatal sau si-l ia de la gara cu autobuzul. tatal sau ii spune: ma baiete deacum esti si tu mare trebuie sa 5te gandesti la femei. Ia uite la blonda aceea ce zici, mama ce buna e???
-Dar la brunetea aceea? baiatul nimc tacea mut.
-dar uitate la rascata aceea?? Suparat baiatul ca-l tot bate la cap ii spune tatalui: Ia mai lasa-ma in pace si uitatea la sofer ia uite ce fund are???//[u[/u][/b] |
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Posted: Post subject: Acorda-ne putina atentie |
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tuffgirl can't touch this
Joined: 10 Feb 2005 Posts: 4571 Location: ;)
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Posted: Wed May 18, 2005 2:03 am Post subject: |
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Real 9-1-1 Calls, Believe It or Not
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?
--
Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it.
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Dispatcher: Nine-one-one
Caller: Hi, is this the police?
Dispatcher: This is 911. Do you need police assistance?
Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.
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Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. Fire or emergency?
Called: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you, sir?
Caller: I was wondering.....does the Fire Dept. put snow chains on their trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and....well.... do you think the Fire Dept. could come over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!
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Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one.
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
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Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband.
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Dispatcher: Nine-one-one.
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn...I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn......
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No.
Dispatcher: What where you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the police _________________ Those who wish to appear wise among fools, among the wise seem foolish.
- Quintilian, De Institutione Oratoria |
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tuffgirl can't touch this
Joined: 10 Feb 2005 Posts: 4571 Location: ;)
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Posted: Fri May 20, 2005 1:51 am Post subject: |
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A Small Problem
A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are so small. ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' she asks.
The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?''
Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, ''I know how to make them larger!''
''How!?!?!?'' she asks.
''Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs.''
''Well how long does it take?'' she asks.
''They should expand over the years,'' he answers.
''How did you know that?'' she wonders.
''I dunno, but it sure worked for your ass, didn't it?''' _________________ Those who wish to appear wise among fools, among the wise seem foolish.
- Quintilian, De Institutione Oratoria |
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Anne diamond member
Joined: 18 Jun 2005 Posts: 1420 Location: candyworld
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Posted: Fri Jun 24, 2005 12:32 am Post subject: |
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Trei blonde pe malu' unui rau plin cu crocodili.
Pe care trebuiau sa-l treaca.
Iese din apa un pestisor de AUR !!!
Pestisoru' :
- Fa, vad ca vreti sa treceti rau';
'ai ca va indeplinesc cate o dorinta la fiecare pt. a va ajuta (ca asa sunt io prost)
va ascult !
B1: aaaaa....aaaaa...
fa-ma sa inot perfect !!!
Dupa ce o face, asta sare in apa,
inoata pana la jumate, da' o prinde un
crocodil mai jmecher si o mananca (hihi)
B2: oppa
aaaaaaa......Fa-ma un pestisor mic si agil
Si o face..... Da' moare si asta...
B3: Fa-ma barbat !!
Si o face .....
Atunci asta a trecut pe pod . _________________
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TYGER membru
Joined: 08 Jul 2005 Posts: 66 Location: Craiova
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Posted: Sat Jul 09, 2005 9:18 am Post subject: |
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Un popa mergea pe bicicleta. La o rascruce inanleste un politist.
- Buna ziua, parinte.
- Buna ziua, fiule.
- Incotro parinte?
- Cu Dumnezeu inainte, fiule.
- Amenda! - Doi pe bicicleta! _________________ Be U ... Be CoOl ... Be YourSelf... Be a ... TYGER |
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nedgg membru
Joined: 19 Jun 2005 Posts: 184
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Posted: Sat Jul 09, 2005 3:21 pm Post subject: |
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un pescar prinde un pui de crocodil care-i spune:
-tata e regele crocodililor si daca-mi dai drumul iti indeplineste orice dorinta.
pescarul se gandeste ca asta nu-i bun de mancat si-i da drumul. apare regele croc si zice :
-ce dorinta ai?
-vreau sa o am pana la pamant.
-bine
SI CROCODILUL I-A MANCAT PICIOARELE |
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Anne diamond member
Joined: 18 Jun 2005 Posts: 1420 Location: candyworld
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Posted: Sat Jul 16, 2005 6:24 pm Post subject: |
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Intra un negru intr-un bar de albi si se aseaza la
bar cerand o bere. Vreo cativa albi mai isteti se
duc la el:
- Mai negrule, ia raspunde tu la o intrebare:
- De ce esti tu alb in palme?
- ???
- Fiindca stateai cu mainile la perete cand te-a
vopsit D-zeu.
Si albii rad de se prapadesc.
- Mai negrule mai, mai avem una:
De ce esti tu alb pe talpi?
- ????
- Fiindca stateai in picioare cand te-a vopsit
D-zeu.
Si iar rad albii de se prapadesc.
Se gandeste el negrul si le spune:
- Mai albilor, dar stiti voi de sunteti negri in
fund?
- ????
- Fiindca atunci cand v-am iubit in fund eram
proaspat vopsit ...
si o zbugheste negrul la fuga.... _________________
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satine silver member
Joined: 10 Jul 2005 Posts: 390 Location: Dreamland
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Posted: Sat Jul 16, 2005 8:04 pm Post subject: |
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Cica 2 betivi se intoarceau de la bar. Dupa 20 de metri unu zice:
"-Ba, am uitat sa ma pis!"
La care celalt ii zice:
"Nu-i nimic ba, te invat eu!" |
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Anne diamond member
Joined: 18 Jun 2005 Posts: 1420 Location: candyworld
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Posted: Mon Jul 18, 2005 4:18 am Post subject: |
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Un calaret mergea pe cal , deodata cade .
-De ce a cazut ?
-S-a terminat calul
_________________
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TYGER membru
Joined: 08 Jul 2005 Posts: 66 Location: Craiova
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Posted: Mon Jul 18, 2005 8:32 am Post subject: |
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O cioara mergea pe autostrada cu viteza, fal-fal. Deodata se ciocneste cu un camion si pica. Soferul opreste si ia cioara de jos si o duce acasa. O pune intro colivie si pleaca la servici. Cioara cand se trezeste se uita in sus, in jos,stanga, dreapta si vede numai gratii. Sta ea, se gandeste, si zice: Ia uite ba, l-am omorat! _________________ Be U ... Be CoOl ... Be YourSelf... Be a ... TYGER |
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nedgg membru
Joined: 19 Jun 2005 Posts: 184
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Posted: Mon Jul 18, 2005 6:53 pm Post subject: |
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se duce un alb in africa de sud. in capetown avea de asteptat cateva ore. vede peste strada un cinematograf. la semafor erau doar 2 culori , alb si negru.vrea sa treaca pe negru si unu-i striga:
-ba, tu esti nou pe-aici?
-da, de ce?
-aici pe alb trec albii iar pe negru trec negrii si masinile
trece asta pe alb, se duce la cinema si se aseaza la coada.unu-i striga:
-ba, tu esti nou pe-aici?
-da, de ce?
-aici numai negrii stau la coada, albii se baga in fata si iau bilet
ia el biletul si vrea sa intre-n sala.unu-i striga:
-ba, tu esti nou pe-aici?
-da, de ce?
-aici numai negrii stau jos in sala, albii stau la balcon
se duce la balcon si la un moment dat ii vine sa se pise. intreaba pe unu:
-unde-i toaleta?
ala zice:
-ba, tu esti nou pe-aici?
-da, de ce?
-aici numai negrii se duc la WC, albii fac de-aici de sus in cap la negri
face omul cum i-a spus ala iar de jos o voce groasa striga:
-ba, tu esti nou pe-aici?
-da, de ce?
-mai plimba jetul... |
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satine silver member
Joined: 10 Jul 2005 Posts: 390 Location: Dreamland
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Posted: Mon Jul 18, 2005 10:15 pm Post subject: |
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Il stian ai eu pe asta... |
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nedgg membru
Joined: 19 Jun 2005 Posts: 184
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Posted: Tue Jul 19, 2005 8:14 pm Post subject: |
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spune tu altul |
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nedgg membru
Joined: 19 Jun 2005 Posts: 184
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Posted: Mon Jul 25, 2005 8:23 pm Post subject: |
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cangurul il bate pe iepuras. asta se duce la prietenul sau, ursul.
-ba, m-a rupt cangurul. du-te si bate-l!
-ba, io ma duc, da ce sa-i zic, ca nu pot sa-l bat asa degeaba?
-intreraba-l de ce n-are sapca!
il prinde ursul pe cangur si-l intreaba:
-ba, tu de ce n-ai sapca?
se apuca si-l bate. cangurul se prinde de ce a furat-o si-l bate iar pe iepure, dupa care fuge si se ascunde langa barlogul ursului. vine iepurele schiopatand si-i zice ursului:
-iar m-a batut ala, du-te si bate-l iar!
-da acum ce sa-i zic, ca are sapca?
-ii ceri o tigara. daca-ti da cu filtru spui ca voiai fara filtru si invers. poti sa-i ceri si-un foc. daca-ti da de la bricheta spui ca voiai de la chibrit, daca-ti da de la chibrit spui ca voiai de la bricheta.
il prinde ursul pe cangur si-l intreaba:
-n-ai o tigara?
-cu filtru sau fara filtru?
se holbeaza asta si-i cere fara filtru.
-acuma da-mi si-un foc.
-de la chibrit sau de la bricheta?
-...da-mi de la bricheta.
si-aprinde tigara, trage un fum , trage doua si-l intreaba:
-ba, da tu de ce n-ai sapca? |
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satine silver member
Joined: 10 Jul 2005 Posts: 390 Location: Dreamland
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Posted: Tue Aug 02, 2005 10:28 am Post subject: |
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In prima noapte a nuntii Ion ii zice Mariei:
-Marie, dezbraca-te ca eu stiu tot
Se dezbraca Maria si ramine in chiloti si sutien
-Marie, dezbraca-te ca eu stiu tot
Ramane Maria in chiloti
-Marie, dezbraca-te ca eu stiu tot
Se dezbraca Maria goala - La care Ion, scarpinandu-se in cap
- Ma, Nelu a zis ca trebuie sa fie o gaura pe aici, pe undeva!!! |
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Posted: Post subject: Acorda-ne putina atentie |
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